Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bittersweet Times

Yesterday I had another great doctor's appointment. Everything is looking great, the babies' hearts are strong, they have plenty of fluid, and my blood pressure and everything is still perfectly normal. For those who have been curious, I have gained at total of 13lbs this pregnancy, which is right on track for how I carry. With Noah, I went a few days overdue and only gained 18lbs for the whole pregnancy. So, I'd say that being at 26 weeks with two babies, the 13lbs sounds about right. I thought I had been at 6lbs last appointment (a month ago) but, I think I was mistaken about that; I was more likely at 8-10lbs last month. We don't own a scale, so I haven't been keeping track very well. Luckily, the doctors do that stuff. ;) 

My doctor said it is very few and far between that he has a patient who comes in and doesn't have a complaint or worry--especially with multiples. I do not take this for granted at all, in fact, I make it a point to be very aware and grateful of this fact. God has been so good. I say this, and I truly mean it, because yesterday was the 7 month anniversary of losing Paxton and my precious baby would have been due this week. 

It is so bittersweet. I don't think I could describe it any other way. Everyday something reminds me of that tiny baby I held in my hand, and once carried inside of me. Everyday, when I hold Noah, or feel one of the twins kick, I so wish I would have gotten to experience that with my Paxton. My heart aches, but I am in awe of God's amazing love for us and His perfection. I can't imagine my life without Callen and Haylee already, and knowing that Paxton had to go home for them to happen is bittersweet, but it was always God's plan. As much as it hurts, and as much as it breaks my heart, I have already grown so much. I know having a baby in heaven has already made me a better mother. I know holding that tiny baby in my hand made me so much more aware of the miracle that is life, and how very precious it is. And I know that going through such pain, together with Ben, deciding together right away to be thankful anyway, and being there for each other through this journey has strengthened our marriage more than anything we could have ever done ourselves. Callen and Haylee don't replace Paxton, but they are miracles all their own and a gracious gift from a loving Heavenly Father. I can't wait to meet my baby one day when I go home to heaven, and I can't wait to hold these little babies that are kicking away inside of me as I type. I guess as I write these updates, as I enjoy and experience this pregnancy, it is all bittersweet, but God is so good and I am so thankful.

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